army secret

Alligator Shoes for a Blonde

2009-02-11T11:44:00.000-08:00

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

Little Johnny and Janice go to Sunday School

2009-02-10T13:05:00.000-08:00

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Savior.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”

… the teacher fainted!

i got this shot last night !

2009-02-02T12:09:00.000-08:00

destiny way !

2009-01-31T12:43:00.000-08:00

Codeword for SEX

2009-01-30T10:02:00.000-08:00

A husband and wife decided they needed to use “code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.”

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.”
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”

Funny Trivial

2008-11-27T13:24:00.000-08:00

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb..
(Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don’t try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(Honey, I’m home. What the. ..?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes… Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm……)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Perfect Weekend

2008-11-09T23:46:00.000-08:00

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000″, the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.
“I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in
that account.”

“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”

(Posted by ALIREZA)

what i have to do?

2008-11-06T04:05:00.000-08:00

If a girl you like doesnt know you that well she is your friend and you dont know if she likes you what do you?

African Beauty - Lip Plates

2008-10-31T13:14:00.000-07:00

Lip plates can be found used by tribes in Africa, South America and the Amazon. For some, the plate size is a measure of social or economic influence or status. But for others, the size is just a matter of how long the lip has been stretched. There are varied reasons for putting the plates, but suffice to say, these tribes see these ‘ornaments’ as beauty and status. Although I can never in my life understand why people will want to do this to themselves and consider it as a thing of beauty.

2008-10-10T02:14:00.000-07:00

7 Simple Steps to Finding the Right Girl

October 10, 2008 (Posted by ALIREZA)

This article was taken from Playboy and is written by Kelly Jones. Apologies to all our female readers out there, we will make it up to you again. For the guys, single and desperate ones especially, hope this helps.
From embracing the right mental outlook to letting your passions and posse do some of the work for you, it’s possible to turn dates into mates—especially when following the simple steps below.

Make it a priority

Sounds simple, huh? But really, most people treat dating so casually. Imagine if you looked for a job the way you look for a long-term relationship? “Oh, I’m just waiting for the right job to come along and sweep me off my feet.” You have to be focused and persistent to find the right person. If you’re aiming to find love, dating should be as much a priority as the other important things in your life, like going to the gym, seeing your friends or spending time with your kids.

Confidence is key

Dating is a mental game. Just like athletes who employ expensive coaches to work on their psychological game, you need to put efforts into perfecting your mental outlook. There’s nothing sexier than a guy with confidence.

Don ’t be prematurely picky

Many people who bemoan their lack of dating successes say things like, “I just can’t date a woman who isn’t into sports.” Don’t sweat the small stuff. Instead of writing off potential mates before they even have a chance to impress you, go on a date—or three. Sometimes you’ll know right away that something isn’t going to work out, but if there’s a possibility for something long term, take the risk. You never know what might happen.

Know what you want

It may seem contradictory with the advice above, but you also need to know what’s truly important to you for a long-term fix. Yes, you should put yourself out there and date, but make sure you know what you really want out of a woman. Concentrate on the big issues. Do you want children? How many? Love to travel? How do you want to spend your weekends? Are religious practices part of your life? Having questions like these in mind will allow you to pull the trigger—if necessary—before wasting too much time.

Spread the word

If no one knows about your desire for a meaningful, long-term relationship they really can’t help you. Maybe they figure you’re content with the way things are. So, tell your family, friends, co-workers, your fitness instructor. That new girlfriend could come from anywhere. Borrowing from the job metaphor, you wouldn’t send out one resume and then wait for the jobs to pour in.

Hit the right spots

Nightclubs aren’t the only place where singles hook up. People meet each other at work, libraries, health clubs, cafes, charitable organizations. And meeting someone who shares your passion rather than just your level of inebriation generally makes for a stronger long-term connection. Basically, use your hobbies and other passions to find your love.

Be happy

Don’t wear desperation like a dirty shirt. People spot it a mile away. Instead, embrace your single lifestyle. Spend time with friends, go out and do the things you love, celebrate the freedom that every day brings you. You’ll be happier while you wait for Ms. Perfect—and your happy life will make you more attractive to her.

talked !

2008-09-04T00:57:00.000-07:00

unspoken rules of work !

2008-09-04T00:41:00.000-07:00

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.